I've never been sporty. Not at all, not even a little bit. Hockey was compulsory in my convent school - it involved other girls chasing you round a cold muddy field trying to strike your ankles with a bent flat wooden stick. Or me diving for cover when a small hard wooden ball came shooting towards me.
Then there was tennis. One day, towards the end of my time at the convent, I became captain of the St Winefride's convent blue team - not by a popular vote I assure you, but by default - no one else wanted the job - that is still happening to me, FFS.
Anyway in the annual Eisteddfod (yes this is in Wales), being captain of the blue team meant we had to enter the sports competition. We had to put forward a tennis team. I'd watched Wimbledon a bit that year - probably because my Dad had it on the TV - I've never had the remotest interest in sport of any kind, it bores me to tears. One of the TV tennis stars said she'd started off hitting a ball against a wall with her racquet. So I practised that for a few weeks and then our small but useless team entered the competition. I managed to hit the ball over the net mostly, the rest of the team did not. Our team came last. The red team won of course - they had all the sporty types like Angela G, popular, pony-tailed, bouncy and relentlessly cheerful.
All of that is but background to my scuba diving experience - notice the singular. I must have been watching some stunning David Attenborough underwater filming of the ocean. How lovely I thought to be able to don a wet suit and mask and breathe underwater, while exploring the gorgeous coral reefs of wherever.
I was met by a great huge hairy man, who I can only describe as 'meatloaf'. He was about 6 foot 6" and weighed c. 20 stone plus. Each hand was the size of a plate of steak and chips. He talked me through the health and safety manual, which always means I switch off and stop listening. I got neck ache looking up. I nodded and smiled and my thoughts drifted elsewhere - swimming alongside David Attenborough, filming sting rays and octopus probably.
I fell to my knees with the weight. He lifted them off again and we walked further along to the side of the diving pool. This time he put them onto my back slowly and carefully as I gritted my teeth, bracing my legs not to fall to my knees again.
Oh dear I'll need another instalment to tell you about the hang gliding experience and that
time I played squash - yes just the once, both of them. Bet you can't wait. :)